Sorrow

Whatever possessed me to think I could do this on my own?
I have lost one son to hatred and anger – I miss him so much and love him so much and it tears my heart into tiny pieces, this loss.
And now I am losing another son. Same reasons. It’s like being stuck in a continuous loop. Anger. Hatred. Self-loathing combined with self-obsession. Your typical teenage rebellion but fuelled by much much more.
And I feel totally out of resources, totally alone, dreading losing him, yet feeling as though I have lost him already. I miss him, I love him, I can’t bear to go through this again.

What a return to the Wibsite. I’d been meaning to log on for ages but suddenly find myself needing a safe place and somehow this was it. Please pray for my mixed-up teen and my other mixed-up teen and their mixed-up mum who had foolishly thought things were on the up.

22 thoughts on “Sorrow

  1. Oh Smudgie, I’m so sorry! Praying that he can break out of the loop before it goes too far.

  2. Smudgie, I’m really sorry.

    Prayers (as always) continue!

    I wish I could do more… other than help keep this a safe space for you.

    xx

  3. Sending hugs and prayers from Tidewater Virginia to add to your hugs-and-prayers collection.

  4. You’ve been crossing my mind lately, obviously whispers from somewhere, so continued prayers of course and lots of hugs too!

  5. oh hon!!! I just want to wrap you in the biggest biggest hug!!! We *will* catch up with each other (in person) soon! I will try so hard.

  6. Don’t give up all hope, Smudgie. Our son became angry and violent for a few years in his teens and it was very difficult, but he’s fine now. I know your situation is different, but he might not follow in his brother’s footsteps. Anger and even violence are common among teenage boys. We let our son do his own thing a lot more. Part of the problem was he didn’t want to do what we did or what we wanted him to do. As a vegetarian he cooked for himself and we usually had extra washing up as a result. He ate by himself a lot of the time and stayed in his room a lot, but it didn’t seem to harm him. He went on holiday on his own and got a job to pay for it and all the things he wanted we said we couldn’t afford to buy for him. He was a bright lad and showed a lot of initiative and it seems to have done him good.

    So don’t give up all hope.

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