I shouldn’t really be here, by the way. It’s only that I’m bored!
Eyes are not brilliant today. They were awful yesterday – all I wanted to do was lie down in a darkened room. The day before they were fantastic and I felt an absolute fraud. Though when I say fantastic, it’s qualified. When they’re good, it feels as though I can see perfectly well. But when I stop and think about my vision, I realise it’s not as sharp as it should be (even considering I’ve crossed the equator as regards my age) – a bit like watching a normal TV and the picture seeming fine until you go back to it after watching a flat-screen TV. It’s like looking at a child’s coloured drawing with no outlines. Even though life doesn’t have outlines, somehow pictures look clearer with them. At the moment, on my best day, there are no outlines.
I realise I’m a very visual person – all my hobbies involve my vision, all the jobs I would enjoy involve my vision, I always like to have something to look at, to focus my eyes on. When listening to a talking book or chatting on the telephone, I always like to be doing something too – I thought it was to keep my hands busy but I realise now that it was to occupy my eyes! My distance vision has always been good and people have been astounded in the past that I could read a roadsign before they’d even spotted the sign was there! I read by using the shape of the word rather than the phonetic buildup which makes me a good skim-reader too, or did until a month ago. When I was younger and had all the time in the world for reading, reading itself was as enjoyable as the content – I’d even read the back of detergent bottles (the print of which I can barely see at all at the moment) while sitting on the loo if I’d forgotten to take a book with me, and when people asked if there was a specific book I’d like for Christmas I’d say “Anything with words in it”. I think it’s the reason why, much as I ought to put the computer away until my eyes are sorted, I still find myself reaching for it for short spells, setting the zoom high and reading what I can keep my eyes focussed on.
The neurologist thinks the damage to my vision is permanent, although I am hoping that glasses can solve the problems it causes. The health implications could be major or could be minor, I will deal with that as it comes. But to lose my clarity and comfort of vision would necessitate quite a life change and that is a bit daunting.