Truth or hope?

I am in the unenviable position of knowing slightly more about Dad’s illness than he does. It’s a dilemma – I don’t like it very much. It’s only a couple of details which are no different than the conclusion we had come to for ourselves, my sisters and brothers and I. Dad’s cancer has stopped responding to treatment and is progressing apace.

Dad, on the other hand, is in a state of denial. He is making optimistic plans for the summer and keeps talking about “when I’m well again”. I know deep down he knows the situation, but he doesn’t want to face up to it and who can blame him. The optimistic streak is keeping him positive and helping him cope and do far more than we’d expect – even if it sometimes leads him to overdoing it!

It feels wrong to keep things from him, especially as he suspects I’m keeping more from him than I actually am. But then, if I tell him the treatment isn’t working, he’ll lose confidence in the treatment and it will probably work even less. And am I afraid of him sinking into despondancy for him or for me? Probably both, if the truth be told. The problem wouldn’t have arisen if I hadn’t been held up talking to the doctor yesterday. He only knew that I was in there a long time talking to the oncologist and is presuming we didn’t tell him anything. The truth was that we were waiting for a nurse to go to the computers and get some blood test results for the doctor to see because Dad’s file is so massive that you can’t find anything in it…. and when she finally arrived with the printout it had omitted the particular result he wanted so she had to go and get it printed off again. In the meantime, the doctor and I were just making general conversation – but Dad thinks we were deep in conference and is getting worried about what was said. So I am in double trouble – he doesn’t believe that so little was said and nothing I say will convince him, and yet there is something I know and feel it would do untold damage to tell him. AAAGGGGHHHHH

Meanwhile this morning he had a little op to remove a rodent ulcer from the top of his head. They think they may not have caught it all so he may need a more major op in the future. 🙁 As if he hadn’t enough to contend with. So that’s two more appointments in the calendar. But hey, the stitches are really interesting – no dressing, just a plastic skin sprayed on over the top. How long do you give it until the stitches get tangled in his comb?
Bleugh!

5 thoughts on “Truth or hope?

  1. Wales sends prayers and support. It can’t be easy for you or your dad. Maybe its a good thing that he’s so positive and willing to fight. It would terrible if he just gave up.

  2. living with cancer is like running a marathon every day. empathy and prayers from the bit over expensive water.

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