Daily Archives: May 11, 2005

Enlightenment – further musings


I just asked myself “What are you afraid of?” and realised the answer.
And surprised myself.
What am I afraid of? You’d think it’d be rejection, but it ai’ (as they say where my dad comes from!)
What I’m afraid of is being taken seriously.
And starting a whole roller-coaster that’d be impossible to get off without hurting someone.
Good analogy actually, as it’s the reason I don’t go on scary rides at the funfair – because there’s no going back if I find I regret it… far easier not to risk it in the first place.

Pah! I’m chicken !!! 😉

Whither male-female friendship (,musings of an idiot)

It’s a funny thing, this love business.

I suppose I grew up expecting it to happen and to be a fairly natural and straightforward business, like my parents’ relationship was. Not that they didn’t have their rows, of course, and if my mother hadn’t taken the lead in asking my Dad to walk her home the day they first met, I’d never have been more than a twinkle in my father’s eye at all. But it seemed to me as I grew that each person met their “other half”, that people fit nicely into twos, that this was part and parcel of life and would all fall into place as part of my reaching adulthood.

It’s funny, this sense of happy inevitability always tied in, I realise now, with a comfortable sense that “nobody would really want to go out with me, so I needn’t get worries about this boyfriend seeking business – with me it’ll just be straight into a marriage situation”. Strange that. Reading it, I don’t imagine anyone would understand that. Not that I don’t feel attractive, I mean, but that I have always felt that as quite comfortable. Frustrating, maybe, but safe too – no broken hearts to deal with, no risk of coping with a relationship with the wrong person, no chance of divorce happening because I’d marry the right person, it wouldn’t be complicated with superficial attractions.

What I’m actually finding hard to come to terms with is that I seem to have left a stream of broken-hearted men in my wake. Yet again I’ve been told by someone that they’ve always hoped for more than just a friendship with me. Me? I’ve just walked my merry way, totally oblivious… thoroughly enjoyed the friendship but expected and wanted nothing more from that particular friend. Frustrating, though, because it mars the friendship to a certain extent. Frustrating too to know (and I find it so hard to accept, too) that there are men who find me attractive but never the ones I hoped would feel that way – or did they, and I just never picked up on it or responded to it because it was safer not to? Am I so afraid of a relationship that I daren’t acknowledge it? Is that why I don’t seem to meet people who are right for me? Or do I set my expectations too high? Or am I too settled as a dyed-in-the-wool spinster (as I told my latest admirer – a lovely fellow who put me under no pressure at all to reciprocate his feelings).

I’m all confuzzled. I enjoy and cherish my independence too much to easily consider giving it up, but do I want to be alone? Can I have the male-female friendships I so enjoy without relationships getting in the way? And is there someone there who’s actually looking for me to be his Mrs Right and how will I ever realise it?

Anyone got a brick wall handy for me to bang my head against?

Feeling guiltily innocent ;)

Don’t you just love times like these? The times when you’re doing something which you have every right to do, but still have that feeling at the back of your mind that you’re actually doing something really quite naughty:D
Like lying in in the morning reading my book when I’m on holiday, or going to McDonalds with the kids simply because Dad’s away and I don’t have to be home to make him tea.

It’s like that right now. Because of a rearrangement I made with the timetable (would you believe they’d forgotten, in planning the exam timetable for SATs, that they’d also arranged for my maths group to go swimming? Needless to say I was running round like an idiot yesterday rearranging the test time so the kids taking the test would actually BE IN SCHOOL!) I have agreed to work this afternoon to cover a Year Seven Maths test. Which means that my lessons this morning have been cancelled and, rather than them pay me to stay in school doing nothing, they agreed that I could come home and spend a couple of hours over lunchtime here rather than sitting in the staffroom twiddling my thumbs. So I’m here, mid morning, waiting to make some lunch for me and dad, and feeling decidedly naughty when I just walked out of school after break, got in my car and drove away.

Shame I’ve got to go back, really.

Mind you, I need to build up my reserves for this evening. Tiddles has lost his entire games kit. He didn’t bother mentioning it, apparently, because he thought I wouldn’t mind. Thought I wouldn’t mind???? I ask you! He was a little taken aback at having to mend the roof where I flew through it when he told me. £100-worth of stuff, just disappeared somewhere in the depths of school, he knows not how or where. Despite me having paid £5 for a replacement locker key so he had somewhere safe to keep his kit. So I’m going to school to supervise him going through lost property and finding it. Then, on the way home, we’re calling at the music shop to replace his broken drumsticks and at the bus station to pick up the entire climbing kit (brand new trousers, t-shirt, jumper, trainers and water bottle) which he left on the bus last week.

Hard to know how to handle it for the best. He’s decided that there’s nothing he can do about all these things he loses because he’s just forgetful and that’s it. It’s just the way he’s made. No use me getting irritated. I’ll just have to replace the things and if I punish him, I punish him. Fair enough. He’s just stupid that way. How do I get him round this to realise that actually he’s perfectly capable of putting some strategies into place to make life a little easier. When I stress how easy some of these strategies are, it simply reinforces to him that he’s stupid for not doing them. How to get him past that to seeing that he’s actually capable of giving it a try? But I certainly cannot afford to keep replacing things like this or having our life organised round trips to various lost property offices. Nor can we continue to put up with late-night tantrums because I won’t let him do the spelling practise he’s supposed to have been doing all week… even though he had an hour earlier where he sat doing nothing and declared he had no homework. Apparently it’s my fault he has detention today for not doing them. 😉

I don’t know. Good job I love him (and good job Smudgelet is far more organised!). But right now, I don’t care about any of that. I’m home, and everyone else is working. Yippeeeeeeeeee !