This is to be it, just one evening of wallowing in self pity and then I am to pull myself together and get back to enjoying life just as it is, just as I used to.
An MSN conversation at least put things into perspective. I knew anyway, but it makes things clearer. And in my heart of hearts I know it’s not the specific loss, it’s the general concept. So stop dreaming and get real.
And to change would be to pretend to be something I’m not. No, I’m not going down that road. I am who I am, like it or lump it, and if that means going it alone then so be it. I’m quite happy with who and how I am (apart from a few things I wish I could change, but who’s perfect?). I’d change things for the man of my dreams, but not in order to get one.
Typical it coincides with my visitors leaving, so the loneliness is complete. Having people around for the week, especially a bit of male company, somehow rubs it in. But perhaps that’s good. Alone I can mope and whinge to my heart’s content (Lord, please don’t let the children wake). Perhaps that’s what I need to do tonight, get it out of my system. Have a good old cry and then get back to the fact that I have a good life, and loads of people I love and who love me. The grass may always look greener on the other side of the street, but I don’t have it bad, and there’s lots to be said for it too.
But tonight I’ll just pull the duvet over my head and wallow.
I hate this bit – the bit when you have had visitors, waved them off, and come home to normality: getting ready for work tomorrow, listening to the sounds of a quiet house and children sleeping, looking at the sink full of omeletty plates and trying valiently not to put it off until later (but failing).
It’s been a lovely week. Good company, fantastic weather, nice places to go and things to do. A half term holiday to remember. And I’ll be remembering it for weeks until I get rid of all this sand! What is it with sand? It seems to have an inate ability to multiply and spread and cling and make itself thoroughly at home everywhere… particularly where least welcome. Why does the beach never run out, when the visitors carry so much away with them?
Should I mention how much they’ve forgotten? Our family has a policy that you should always leave one thing behind when you stay somewhere nice, just to ensure you have to go back and fetch it one day. Working on this basis, they will be back tomorrow for a month! Oh my, what a thought!
The good news – I have managed a whole week without feeling GF-ish at all. I am definitely getting better and better. Hope it lasts for a good while. In fact, I need it to last for a good while, seeing as it’s an eight week half term now, with the kids at their worst, and no exams or reports to hang over their little heads to ensure compliance. Heaven help us. Starting the countdown to the Summer Holidays. I don’t want to go back to school.
Right, an hour’s sleep, then I’ll listen to my new CDs. 😀 Then I’ll do the washi…do the washin…… nah, then I’ll listen to them again and eat this box of chocolates which is sitting so temptingly alongside my computer. Well, it’s the holidays after all!